Reinvention

When I started this blog, I only meant for it to be a release, a place for me to let out all the feelings I had about being undocumented. Writing out all my anxiety and stress and bitter feelings felt like the only thing I could do about my situation. I guess it made me feel like I had some sort of control, even if only in my head. Turned out to be the perfect place to meet others going through the same thing. I found understanding and support here, without the stress of someone reporting me. That was all great. But eventually this blog just added to all the bitterness I had. It became another reminder of all the struggles and letdowns I'd gone through and would go through. Instead of being uplifted by others, I only became more depressed when I wrote and read others' blogs. So I stopped writing and tried to forget about everything.
I didn't stop thinking about it though. I think about my situation all the time, but in much more global way. The fact that I'm taking a Chicano studies class has a lot to do with this. I didn't ever intend on taking a Chicano studies class (that's a story for later), but I love it. It's made me question my cultural identity more than I ever have. I have thoughts on everything we talk about but feel that I can't share my perspective due to my situation. So I've decided to reinvent my blog. I'll still share my experience through college as an AB-540 student and my struggles with USCIS. But I'm expanding my blog to talk about Chicano culture. Enough with my moping around about a situation I don't have much control over. The only way I can really get past my bitterness over being undocumented is to embrace this special perspective I have on my culture. I'm not saying that I'm suddenly going to celebrate the fact that I'm undocumented, but I am going to try to get some good out of it. After all, nothing is an accident. There's a reason I got across the border unscathed when so many Mexicanos attempt the trek to California countless times. I could have not made it at all.
And the fact that I did is something special.